A Life With No Regrets

I used to just live my life and just do what I had to do and not think much about what others thought.

I used to think that was living my life with no regrets.

Now, how others feel abut what I do colors my thoughts and keeps me up at night.  Why?

Maybe I am getting older and find it difficult to deal with how others think I don't care.  That is not true.  I do care, care more than most.  I write out my feelings-that is how I have always dealt with it in the past. 

I do have regrets-I regret that I ever had epilepsy and took drugs for over 30 years.  I do regret what it has done to my mind and body.  Do I drink?  Yes.  Do I know why?  To forget for a while and feel like a normal person.  Only I have come to realize that alcohol is not the answer.  I have to deal with my reality.  I am not doing well. 

I try to exercise everyday, eat right and drink plenty of water.  Some days I fail miserably and beat myself up.  I just have to like me, what I have become and let go of the rest.  I cannot change it.  I need to enjoy being with my friends, if they like/love me then they will understand my quirky behavior.

My sisters do love me but they are scared of what I might do.  I am scared of what I might do.ha. 

I am aging.  I am not the cute little person I was before.  But I am smarter.  Caring about how others feel about me is smarter.  People who make my life harder than it has to be are part of life.  I can't change that only deal with it the best I can. 

Lots of things are that way.  I can only deal with my life the best I can.  I need to call Debbie and let her know I am not up for driving back to Arkansas.  I just can't do it.  That's okay.  I am working smarter and not harder.  I need to make my life easier and not harder.

Depression is a bitch.  I can't change that only deal with it.  Somedays the dragon wins. 

Think I'll go and paint....