Oz the Great and Powerful

 

It was a Friday night in a sleepy, Southern town and there was nothing else to do so my husband and I opted to go to the movies.  We pulled into the parking lot and already lines were queuing up and spilling out into the street in front of the ticket window.

 

Jim bought two SENIOR tickets (I still hate that---you can look at me and tell I’m not a senior [no one has failed to sell Jim a senior ticket yet and we go to the movies at least once a week).  Anyway we headed inside and found the right cinema and sat down.

 

The show was cute and told the before story of the wizard of Oz.  It wasn’t long before that old familiar urge hit.  I jumped up and walked toward the door.  I quickened my steps as my bladder began to empty.  I made it to the bathroom too late and everything was soaked.  There was no toilet tissue and I had forgotten to put pads in my purse.  An extra set of clothes had been stashed in my car but we had driven my husband’s CR-V.  I quickly decided I had to drive back to the house and change.   It was problematic, but I managed to splash back to the movie theatre, find Jim, and tell him I was heading back home.

 

We only live about 5 minutes away so the drive home was a snap.  I sat on Jim’s golf towel to protect the seat.  I arrived home to the dark house and ran to the bathroom.  I kept hearing this strange pulsing sound.  I could only imagine that someone was breaking into the house.  As I sat on the toilet-I heard the sound again.  I stripped my wet clothes off and managed to turn on every light in the house.  I figured this would scare off the burglars.  I contemplated calling the police but this would mean I would have to dress myself again and I didn’t know if I had enough time.  Also, what if the burglars rushed me as I was pulling on my pantyhose?  I can only smile inwardly when I think of a half-dressed woman carrying a cell phone with pee still running down her legs.

 

I grabbed my robe and went outside to check the filter on the pool and then I turned on the lights in the shop—the only thing I disturbed was the damn cat. 

 

I drove back to the movie and sat back down by Jim.  We came home and Jim heard the sound.  He crawled under the house-thinking it might be the plumbing.  Then he climbed up in the attic and checked on the fan.  Our Ah-Hah moment came at the same time-it had to be my Mia facial brush beeping because the charge was low.  It was and the brush was vibrating against the shelf in the shower.  It was making a helluva racket.  Jim was stony faced and went to bed.  I on the other hand laughed my ass off-do I ever wonder why Men are from Mars and Women from Venus?